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I am a Hispanic married to an Anglo-American. How can I instill pride in my kids' Hispanic heritage?
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How do I get it the point across to my Dad that he considers me the black sheep of the family?
Dear Chalupa Rules,
I am a Hispanic married to an Anglo-American. How can I instill pride in my kids'
Hispanic heritage?
Querida Chalupa,
By asking that question, you are already taking the first step in helping your
children connect with their cultura. My first duty is to tell you that the
Chalupa Rules are firm believers in the concept of balance and fairness.
Your question is focused on ''my kids' Hispanic heritage.'' That is a
wonderful sentiment that brings the lovely Sirena, the Mermaid of the
Chalupa to tears. She loves to hear when Latinos express a desire to swim in the
rich, bountiful waters of their culture. To view an image of the beautiful Sirena,
visit my website, www.chaluparules.com. However, La Sirena wants you to know
that you and your husband have a double responsibility where the issue of cultural
heritage is concerned.
Keep in mind that your esposo, your husband, also comes from a cultural
background that your children also carry within them.
This is the message you need to convey to your hijos, both of the parents' cultural
heritages are important. Querida Chalupa, let's say for instance that your
husband is Irish. Then paint your kitchen a bright, Latino-flavored tangerine (like
mine). You can include Irish folk art también.
There is one very important question you need to ask yourselves. How well do you
know your cultural history? The more you know, the more you can pass on to your
children.
Oral history is a great way to begin. You and your children can reach out to all
your relatives and begin to construct a family tree, complete with the living,
breathing stories. Videotape them for el futuro.
Take advantage of this Chalupa Rule. Sacude Todas Las Ramas. Shake all the
branches of your family tree.
I even sent away for a DNA testing kit. According to the test results, I am
fifty-three per cent Native American and forty-seven per cent European.
I am a mestizo, a classic blend of the Native and European that make up most
of the Mexican-Americans in the world today.
The web-site that provides this information and testing can be reached at www.dnaprint.com .
It is not an inexpensive test. It runs in the range of about $200.00 but can shed
some light on your family's ethnic heritage.
If you truly dive into the cultural waters in which La Sirena swims, then
you and your familia build an activity that unites you in history and pride.
In other words, you are no longer thrashing around in the muddy waters of ''I don't
know,'' and ''Go ask your abuelito'' when your children ask questions that
reach into the beautiful pasts from which both you and your marido emerge.
Like La Sirena, you will swim right up to them with answers. If you don't have the
answer, you can work together to fill in the blanks.
Start a ''family genealogy team'', paint your children's life with los colores
de tu cultura. You will go a long way in making sure they know the full
spectrum of their cultural herencias.
Buena suerte querida Chalupa. La Sirena says ''Come on in. The cultural waters are
fine.'' Hasta pronto.
Questions for Mario Bosquez can be submitted through this website on the Submit a Question page If your question appears in this column, you will receive a free ''Chalupa Rules'' t-shirt.
Dear Chalupa Rules,
In my office my female co-workers are addressed as ''Miss'' Jones or 'Miss' Smith
and yet Hispanic females are addressed as 'Senoritas'. I find this very offensive.
How can I get my so called ''enlightened'' male coworkers to address us
appropriately?
Querida Chalupa,
First, all Latinos know that addressing an unmarried woman as Señorita is
acceptable, unless the woman in question requests another form in which to be
recognized.
What I sense is you are hesitant to speak your mind. This Chalupa Rule applies to
you, No Te Hagas Chiquita. Don't Make Yourself Small. You have the right to
be addressed as you wish.
Many Latinos and other minority groups have developed a ''sixth sense'' that allows
us to pick up on ''vibes'' indicating prejudice. Other times, there are concrete
examples. My cousin, who lives in an affluent Houston neighborhood, was watering
her front lawn one when a car pulls up. The window rolls down and a man pokes out
his head. His question for my cousin who is a lawyer and international banker?
''Are you available to clean other people's houses?'' She recovered in time to say,
''No, I own this house.'' The car sped away. So, we are naïve to think the days of
racism are over.
It sounds to the Chalupa Rules that your situación is somewhere in between
''feelings'' and actual examples of bias. Either way, your co-workers are sowing
the seeds of divisiveness in your workplace. Every time they refer to you as a Señorita,
they succeed in setting you apart from everyone else in your office.
Draw up your courage and your best office demeanor then settle the matter. Don't
over-explain and DON'T apologize. Don't say, ''Ay, I'm sorry to bring this up and I
don't want you to feel bad but….''
Say (with a smile), ''Instead of Señorita, I want to be addressed like
everyone else, as Miss or Ms. Sanchez. Thanks very much. Now, what did you want to
talk about?''
You addressed the matter and moved on. Best of all, you did not make yourself
small. No te hagas chiquita.
Sometimes you will hear, ''Please, you're being too sensitive about it.''
Espera. Un momentito. Hold your horses. I have encountered that remark and I
know exactly what to do about it.
Many years ago, at one place of employment, I made a comment in reference to how
minorities were treated. I heard the dreaded, ''Oh you're just been too sensitive''
remark. My response, ''Well, that's why they invented the word 'sensitive',
so that I can use it. I am sensitive to this issue. It bothers me. Let's address it
and then move on to the responsibilities of our jobs.''
Querida Chalupa, grab the issue by the cuernos and make yourself heard. If
you take the matter by the horns and the problem persists, then take the issue up
the chain of command until it is take care of to your satisfaction.
Remember, Human Resources Departments are there for a reason. Get everything in
writing. Document everything, todo. Buena Suerte Ms. Chalupa.
Questions for Mario Bosquez can be submitted through this website on the Submit a Question page If your question appears in this column, you will receive a free ''Chalupa Rules'' t-shirt.
Dear Chalupa Rules,
I'm a Hispanic Catholic female about to marry a Jewish
man. His family expects me to convert to the Jewish faith without any regards for
my feelings. It's not like my parents expect him to convert to Catholicism. What do
I do?
Querida Chalupa, Primeramente, felicidades, congratulations on your
upcoming boda! Now I offer you a Chalupa Rule that may not at propriate to
the question.
Siempre Serás Estudiante. You Are Always Going to be a Student.
¿Qué? What did you say? Isn't this question about marriage and religion?
Espera. Wait a minute and you will see what I am talking about. You use the
word ''convert'' twice. It has such a ring of finality, doesn't it? Convert.
Permanent. No going back. I can only assume that you and your intended made a
conscientious effort to learn about the other's religions.
What? You didn't? You didn't think it was important? Judging from the urgency of
your question, I can only assume that you did not.
It's not too late. Take classes in the Jewish faith. He should study Catholicism.
You may convert someday to Judaism or he may one day convert to the Catholic faith.
Or, you may both retain your original religious practice. But, dear Chalupa, no
matter how it turns out, your children will have to grow up in a household where
two, strong and beautiful faiths are present. It is for them that you must make a
concerted effort to learn more about the religion your husband-to-be brings to the
marital table.
If you study Judaism, you show your future parents-in-law that you care deeply
about their faith and their values. Yes, make it clear that this process will not
involve ''conversion'' but that it does involve learning and getting in touch with
the most personal, spiritual aspect of their lives.
Querida Chalupa, one phrase in your letter makes the Chalupa Rules worry
just a little bit. You write that they want you to convert without ''any regards to
my feelings.''
Have swords been crossed about this issue already? If so, now is the time to get it
all straightened out.
Check into the possibility of having a ''double ceremony'' where a rabbi and priest
can preside. Check your own family background. Did you know that many Latinos carry
Jewish heritage as well? This makes us all realize just how closely related we all
are at the end of the day.
As the Chalupa Rules mentioned at the beginning of this response, this wonderful
occasion is your wedding and your marriage, with the rest of your
family playing the role of ''supporting and supportive cast.'' If you put in the
energy to actually learn about their lives and faith you will also send out a
strong message that this marriage is about patience, love and understanding; the
spiritual values of your entire new familia.
Questions for Mario Bosquez can be submitted through this website on the Submit a Question page If your question appears in this column, you will receive a free ''Chalupa Rules'' t-shirt.
Dear Chalupa Rules,
I'm engaged to be married, and my family is encouraging me
to wait until I finish my undergraduate program. Should I?
Querida Chalupa,
Count your blessings. In the ''good old days,'' many Latino families told their
daughters what to do. Thankfully, those times of enforced ''futures'' are for the
most part, over. However, you do show tremendous respeto for your
family by taking their advice into consideration. The tone of your pregunta
indicates you are contemplating a wedding before graduación since you write
that your family is ''encouraging me to wait''. What leads the Chalupa Rules to
believe that there is a measure of impatience in your heart is that you do not
mention how your ''intended'' feels. There is no mention of ''us'' or ''we''.
Dear Chalupa, you really need to have a ''meeting with yourself'' to explore the
true reasons for your urgency. Why the impatience? As one of the age-old dichos
from our ancestors advises, El amor ardiente pronto se enfría. Passionate
love cools quickly.
Keep in mind the reasons for an engagement. It's a very serious ''dress rehearsal''
for marriage during which time you and your husband will have to learn the patience
needed to land the right job, start the family and buy the right house. An
undergraduate program is challenging, time-consuming and stressful. Adding the
hectic preparations for marriage can only add to that pressure.
Perhaps you are not aware that you are really in ''two'' undergraduate programs.
The other one you can call the ''undergraduate'' engagement program. When you
finish that one, you move on to the ''graduate program'' of marriage.
Let's call it ''Weddings 101''. You take this class by buying a stack of wedding
magazines and pretending as if your nuptials will take place in a few months. Make
lists, of wedding dress ideas, reception halls, bridesmaid dresses. The list is
endless. Find someone who is in the middle of planning their wedding. Listen to
them carefully. Go to a wedding dress shop and have a sincere corazon-a-corazon
with the proprietor.
Pretty soon, the enormity of the undertaking will land on your shoulders.
But, the Chalupa Rules cannot tell you what to do anymore than your family
is able to impose their will upon you. So you have to decide for yourself. Recuerda,
you have already, by going into an engagement, promised to marry someone. This is
the next step before you take vows. The time that leads up to your vows is a very
important one. How much time elapses is entirely up to you and your husband-to-be.
If you feel you can handle it all, go for it. If not, then you owe it to yourself
and to your intended to wait.
Grab that diploma in your hands before someone slips a wedding ring on your finger.
That way, you have tended your own garden before you move on to the larger pastures
of wedded bliss. ¡Felicidades a los novios!
Questions for Mario Bosquez can be submitted through this website on the Submit a Question page If your question appears in this column, you will receive a free ''Chalupa Rules'' t-shirt.
Dear Chalupa Rules,
I have a good friend and it seems every time that we are
about to buy something new, remodel our home or go on a trip, by the next week
she's already done it. It's really bothering me. How do I go about, without hurting
her feelings, telling her that she is copying everything I do.
Mi Querida Chalupa,
It warms the corazon of the Chalupa Rules that you start with, ''I have a
good friend.'' That, mi hijita, is a good sign that your friendship will
survive ''Keeping up with the Jimenez.''
You are playing the ''Lucy'' role and your amiga is ''Ethel'', following
your lead. It's funny on ''I Love Lucy'' re-runs, but not in real life. When two
people become ''good friends'' it is only natural that they develop similarities in
taste and behavior. Isn't that ''compatibility'' la razon you became friends
in the first place?
Querida Chalupita, listen to this time-honored dicho: Amigo y vino, el
más antiguo. ''Old friends and old wine are the best.'' This proverb comes
from a book called, ''Dictionary of Proverbs''. Old friends are the best so
we have to be careful not to throw all of that en la basura, in the
trash, only because one part of the friendship is ''on the fritz''.
One Chalupa Rule says, ''Everyone needs a Diana Rodríguez.'' It was born when the
most beautiful girl in the eighth grade led me onto the dance floor, granting my
secret wish to take part in the school baile. You may be acting as the impetus that
gets your friend onto the ''dance floor'' of life, giving her the ideas and energy
to buy what her family needs. It may not be ''copycat'' at all but more a case of
role-model/hero worship.
There is another Chalupa Rule that you can use. Guarda tus Frijolitos.
Always keep a little pile of beans to yourself. Don't announce your future plans,
purchases and vacations to that friend, period.
Your situation calls for another dose of the Chalupa Rules: En el camino de la
vida, no mires para los lados. On the road of life, don't look to the sides.
Growing up poor and disadvantaged, we were surrounded by those who had new cars or
new clothes. But, every time I looked to the side, at what others had, I slowed
myself down.
This, dear Chalupa, is what you are doing. You are so concerned with the actions of
your querida amiga that you are taking the focus away from the important
details of your life.
Have yourself a nice café con leche and give think carefully about this
situation. What is really behind your friend's ''barrio buying spree?'' She may
suffer from low self-esteem and a shopping compulsion.
Compliment your mejor amiga. Admire the possessions she already owns.
Friendly reassurance is un regalo, a gift, no credit card purchase can give
her.
One more thing, you are already pretty good at announcing all plans anyway so
mention your favorite charity to her. If she is truly a ''good friend'' she will do
the same and get involved en la comunidad. If you're going to be a
''copycat'' might as well do it for a good cause.
Questions for Mario Bosquez can be submitted through this website on the Submit a Question page If your question appears in this column, you will receive a free ''Chalupa Rules'' t-shirt.
Dear Chalupa Rules,
My daughter wants to have a ''debut''. No one in my family
has ever had one before. It is against their faith. She is going to be fourteen and
wants to have what other girls are having. Mom and Dad are not happy because there
is going to be a dance which is also against our faith. What do I do?
Queridos Padres Chalupas,
Bienvendios, to the world of teenagers. Primero, I want to explain to
non-Latinos that a ''debut'' or Quinceañera is a fifteen-year-old girl's
''coming out party''. It is her official presentation to society, a highlight of a
many a young girl's life. The Quinceañera features a Mass or other
religious observance, a dinner and usually a dance.
Here is a Chalupa Rule that will help. No tiene ciencia. There is no science
to it. That means you take the exploration on step-by-step basis. Make a phone
call. Schedule a meeting. Read about your faith that explains its rules in detail. Paso
a paso, the path will become clear.
It's easy to see from your pregunta that these are long-held, steadfast
beliefs that span at least two generaciones. The Chalupa Rules can see that
because you state that no one in your family has ever had a debut.
Schedule meetings with your religious leaders to find out what is allowed and what
is forbidden. Your daughter will see that you are making a concerted effort on her
part to give her a special birthday observance. That will mean a lot to her. She
will see that her parents, instead of crossing their arms across their chests and
saying ''no'', are making every effort on her part.
From the vantage point of the Chalupa Rules, the scenario in your casa looks
like this: You and your spouse are standing on one side of the living room and your
daughter is on the other a line drawn clearly down the middle.
Yes, a debut. No, a debut. But Querido Chalupa, did you ever consider a
middle ground? Un poquito tu, otro poquito yo. You give a little. I give a
little. What are the possibilities of a special religious observance followed by a
nice brunch or dinner? In all cases, make the religious portion of the celebration
the most important part and you will prove to your religious elders that you have a
sincere interest in following the tenets of your faith.
Make a list of the all the possible ways to have a Quinceañera without
actually calling it a Quinceañera. Is it possible to have the religious
observance and dinner and then a small dance with a D.J. at another
location? Attendance at this part of the celebration would be strictly optional and
not at all a part of the main event.
The Chalupa Rules assures you that later in life, your daughter will remember that
you cared enough to remember her special day while al mismo tiempo holding
your religious beliefs close to your heart. Buena Suerte y Feliz Cumpleaños
to your hija, una linda y joven Chalupita.
Questions for Mario Bosquez can be submitted through this website on the Submit a Question page If your question appears in this column, you will receive a free ''Chalupa Rules'' t-shirt.
Dear Chalupa Rules,
How do I get it the point across to my Dad that he
considers me the black sheep of the family? He treats me differently from my
brothers and sisters. If I go to his house to help him he tells me ''Tu no sabes
nada, you are doing it all wrong.'' Then, my brother does the same thing and he
doesn't say anything.
Querido Señor Chalupa,
There are always two sides to every story and the truth can always be found
somewhere in the middle. My twenty-five years experience as a broadcast journalist
taught me that.
Escúchame. Listen to me. Dig into your past. Take advantage of this Chalupa
Rule and ''Have a ''Meeting With Yourself.'' Conducta una Junta con Si Mismo.
Did anything happen between you and your father that is a stumbling block in your
relationship? An indiscretion of youth? A violation of family rules? This may be
the sticking point in creating a positive, loving relationship with your padre.
If you do come up with something, discuss it openly with him. Tell him you are
aware of the tension. Bring it out into el aire libre, the open air. If
there is nothing in your past that is blocking your ''father connection'' then meet
with him anyway. Make sure you cite concrete examples from your life. Keep them
devoid of emotional detail that will further cloud the issue.
No one can predict exactly how a parent will react in this situation. Remember,
you're an adult who deserves an answer. You say you are a dutiful son, going to
your parent's house to help with chores. No one, not even a parent can take that
quality away from you.
El Pilón. Something extra.
En Lo Ajeno Cae La Desgracia. On Borrowed Things Is Where Sorrow Falls.
In our familia, we were always warned against borrowing other's possessions.
It seems to be a rule of the universo that if anything is going to break,
get lost or ruined, it's always something you have borrowed. If you do have
to borrow something, treat it as a prized possession, guard it carefully, use it
con cuidado and return it immediately after use.
Questions for Mario Bosquez can be submitted through this website on the Submit a Question page If your question appears in this column, you will receive a free ''Chalupa Rules'' t-shirt.